Inspiration
birth stories | birth announcements
Birth Stories
Lillian Grace A.
First of all- take seriously what you tell your babies. On Tuesday morning Sept 11 (38 ½ weeks pregnant)- as I drove to work I told Lily that her daddy and I were looking so forward to meeting her and holding her and would take such good care of her and help her ease into the world- but no rush- take your time- in your own time- we are just ready for you whenever you want to come out. My midwife, Nancy (THE extraordinary earth angel Nancy Giglio) and OB (Dr Fitzhugh) would be unavailable from the 13th-17th or so- so I told Lily that if she was going to come before her due date – it was today- or she would have to wait until next week.
I worked all day – experiencing what I was labeling “Braxton Hicks” contractions- all day long. I sat in meetings impatient- just wanting to be home and completely uninterested in work (if it was possible to be more so at that point). I left work and went to prenatal yoga that night- still experiencing contractions- with a little more intensity- but still thought that it was just the usual Braxton Hicks action. When I got home I ate dinner, etc… and around 10:00 I was talking to my husband as I was brushing my teeth getting ready for bed- I felt a pretty strong contraction that grabbed my attention.
Now- allow me to digress- I thought that since this is my first baby- that I would be in the beginning stages of labor a LONG time- and had visions of being in my home for hours- having manageable labor- walking around my yard, communing with nature, baking cookies (seriously!)- taking care of last minute things and utilizing all of the coping techniques that I was prepared to use for my planned natural childbirth. I had devoutly studied Ina May Gaskins, Michel Odent and Pam England, etc., and had practiced pain coping techniques and I really thought that no matter how bad I got- at the very least my motivation to have an un-medicated birth would ultimately be enough to get me through. I had run a marathon- I thought I would sort of use the same mental toughness that got me through that in labor. Oh- how I would like to take my present self – go back in time and give my past self a sweet little pat on the head and a wise old smile.
Well- labor arrived like a fire truck- full sirens all lit up, bright red and arresting. After that first “real” contraction- IT WAS ON. Like the movies. At that point I just started laughing and laughing and through this joyful, nervous uncontrollable laughter- told Craig- I think this could be it- 10 minutes later I was in “Laborland” on the phone with my midwife breathing through contractions - on my hands and knees - telling her that they were painful and coming 2-3 minutes apart- she said “try not to label them as painful- but rather ‘strong’, ‘intense’- so I did and agreed to call her back hour to hour. I called my parents and told them that we were pretty sure that I was in labor- they agreed to leave first thing in the morning (from Louisville, KY) – agreeing that they should not make the 9 hour drive through the middle of the night. During the 15- 30 second breaks in the contractions- I managed to boss my sweet husband around- call my boss, feed the cat, pack the car…etc… The next few hours are hazy in my memory- but realized that I would eventually head to the hospital – I thought- I”I need to have a shower”- so with Craig standing by- I took a shower during some pretty “strong” and “intense” contractions- then I got in the tub- deep soak and through the contractions- which were almost right on top of one another- I followed the line of a leaf that was in the wallpaper in my bathroom- just traced it up the arch of the leaf- with the arch of the contraction- and down the leaf- it was helpful to have a visual “map” of the sensation. At some point I left the tub and was on the bed- draped over the edge doing figure 8’s- eventually just writhing on the bed in – ‘strong’ and ‘intense’ contractions- that were really starting to hurt- a lot. I think I actually gave “the finger” to my natural childbirth book on my bedside table. Around 1:00 a.m.- we called Nancy and said it was time to go to the hospital. Nancy was waiting outside the Women’s Pavilion when we arrived- I don’t really remember going in- but arriving in the labor and delivery room and heading right to the bed on all fours- Nancy began to apply pressure to pressure points on my sacrum- but to no avail. After a few hours of labor at home and contractions that were 2 minutes apart- I was deflated to hear that upon my arrival at the hospital I was 1 - O N E - centimeter dilated. You’re f*@king kidding me. So I continued to labor- in the bed, on the ball, in the shower, back on the ball- with Craig’s support and Nancy’s help and guidance. Throughout this time I was laboring- it really hurt- seriously, it was very intense, my brain was deep into laborland- but I was managing- I had not had the thought of asking for pain relief- having a break between contractions was enough. I was using sounds that were new to my voice- I remember in one hazy, but to me a beautiful memory- laboring on the ball- rolling back and forth- draped over the bed and just letting this note out through the contractions- it is my favorite memory before I got medicated. My brain however- was not quite in this world and really once I was really in labor- could not conjure any ‘technique’- I was really just surrendering to my body- brain had left long ago. I was aware of Craig and Nancy beside me and I just felt so in my body- it’s hard to put into words- but my memory of it was exquisite. Then my water broke- while laboring on the ball- it was a pop and then a small gush- amazing- for some reason-now I actually believed I was in labor. But then- after the water broke- my contractions went to a whole new level- of pain- they were stronger- and seemed to encompass my whole body- the peak of the contraction was met with a wave of nausea – and there was no break. On the monitor the peak of these contractions were hitting the top of the scale and the “break” between contractions was above the midline of the scale. I think Nancy repeated one of my birth affirmations like “let your body open” – trying to get me to focus on my breath- I was saying “I can’t do this’- she was saying ‘you are doing this’ and at that point- I was in so much pain, pain beyond what I had imagined- without any break, without that break in the surface to catch your breath- that I suddenly had no resources within me left- I just felt like my brain was trying desperately to escape my body and I could not tolerate sending any attention to my body- I just needed to escape this pain. A nurse did a quick exam and reported that I was 2-3 centimeters dilated- what the F?!?!?! This is what I thought I would experience at transition- not 2-3 sad little centimeters. So- I asked (begged in a whimper) for pain relief and remember Nancy asking if I could go another hour- absolutely not. I then apologized to Nancy and said something like “I’m so sorry- I’ve really enjoyed this relationship- but I just can’t do this any longer” she quickly dismissed that comment and at some point said something like- ‘this is not normal labor, you shouldn’t be having this kind of pain at this point, this is a good decision’ - whether or not it was true- it was a generous and kind thing to say to me. Then she said something about one option that would also go to the baby and one that didn’t-I opted for the one that didn’t- the epidural. (Now- prior to experiencing labor- I was frightened of an epidural- could not imagine under what circumstances I would consent to such a procedure!) It seemed like an anesthesiologist arrived within a few minutes around 4:00 a.m. I clung to Craig- in tremendous pain, biting at his shirt- and had absolutely no fear of the pain or creepiness of the epidural procedure- I welcomed the stick in my spine and the shock of the needle. I asked for the lightest possible- explaining that I just wanted to take the edge off- not be numb. The anesthesiologist was kind of a jerk about it- saying something like I was “wasting the medicine” if I didn’t want total pain relief and he was a bit of a drama queen squirting the unused medicine back in the tray. After about 5 hard contractions- I began to feel relief. It was still painful- but it wasn’t agonizing- and I wished I could have stayed right there- still connected. However- after some time- I could no longer feel most of the labor. I lifted right out of “laborland” and was in a great mood- I was so relieved not to be in pain, I was so thankful for the pain relief- I just kept thinking “this is what mercy feels like, I am experiencing mercy”. After the epidural- I quickly opened up to about 6 centimeters- my own oxytocin still rolling- contractions still rolling. However, eventually- this lessened and labor stalled. Nancy and Esme (the kind and warm L&D nurse from England) kept observing that there was an part of my cervix just stubbornly not opening- Nancy thought that this is what was delaying the progress of labor. The hours passed- my family began arriving -labor was slow- Wednesday morning had come and gone, and now it was Wednesday afternoon. Nancy helped move me around in different positions, offering me herbs, water, etc…Eventually she asked the L&D nurse about starting Pitocin (looking back- this should have been started earlier)- Pitocin started and I opened up more quickly. Hours and hours passed. Around 3:00 pm my mom arrived- I was at 9 centimeters- I got to talk to her briefly – after she left- Dr Satija came in and said that it was time to push - that was surreal- I had such a hard time believing that we were about to meet our daughter- (part of the disbelief was that I couldn’t feel any labor- easy to be so disconnected) My epidural was turned down- and I could feel the contractions at the top of my uterus- but never felt that urge to push. I watched her head emerge in the mirror- but found it better to concentrate on the sensation I was feeling and focus on pushing rather than watching it all in the mirror. I remember being frustrated with the position- if I wasn’t medicated- I would have preferred to push on all fours- even medicated my pushing position seemed inefficient. The room was warm and dark- Craig was on one leg- a nurse on the other and Nancy massaging my abdomen helping me time the pushing. I was relieved to start pushing because I now felt I was actually doing something to deliver her. About 45 minutes into pushing - I vomited - like 5 strong heaves! I think that helped with the pushing - soon after recovering from the puking - Dr Satija said “Happy Birthday”- and Lily was born- placed on my belly- all warm and slippery and beautiful and open eyed. I was overwhelmed and was crying, even after 38 weeks of pregnancy and 19 hours of labor - I was shocked!! Nancy said something like ‘say something to her’ and I don’t remember what I said- I just remember how she felt- so warm and slippery and alive and wonderful.
I had a wonderful pregnancy and birth and now we have this glorious new creature in our lives that we love beyond what I can write- but all you other mamas know just how that feels. The prenatal yoga classes were great- but even more so was the community of moms and babies that have connected as a result. Looking forward to reading more birth stories!
Namaste- Jennifer (and Lily)